Specialty — Adolescents
Excerpt from my book project "A Journey in Search" - Chapter 8
“I have the privilege of working with adolescents. When I tell people that, the usual response is complete surprise. Many have the idea that counseling teenagers is like being a dentist in the Old West. It’s like pulling teeth with a worn-out pair of pliers. They assume young people don’t talk much—they just sit in my office, stare at me and grunt out single syllable responses. That’s not my experience. Young people love to tell their stories, play their music, read their journals and share their art work. They want to be known just like anybody else. If you’ll listen and if they get a sense that you care, respect them and aren’t there with a big agenda, they have lots to say.”
Whether it’s been in sub-zero temperatures on Hurricane Ridge, on the summit of Mt. Baker, riding a huge wave on the Wenatchee River, or in my cozy log office, drinking hot chocolate—counseling and caring for young people has been an adventure and a privilege. When talking about this age group I don’t typically use the word teenager, since in today’s world adolescence lasts for a much longer period of time, anywhere from 10 to 24+ years old.
I consider myself a specialized generalist. My specialty is in working with adolescents but with that said, there is no way I can know all there is to know about the various issues and struggles this age group faces. That’s why I try to develop a therapeutic net of other specialists and those that can lend a hand in caring for the young people or families seeking help. I work with school counselors, eating disorder specialists, nurse practitioners, doctors, psychiatrist’s, nutritionists, coaches, teachers, youth workers, and of course parents—just to name a few.
Confidentiality is an important issue, as the young people I work with need a safe place to talk openly about what is concerning them. This is done in accordance with Washington State laws on confidentiality and is further explained in my introductory packet when a young person, adult individual, couple or family comes into counseling.
Parenting Adolescents
Here’s an excerpt from an article I wrote back in 2004.
Highway Patrol Parenting
Let's admit it—sometimes our kids can do things that tempt us to change our names and move to Mongolia. When they do dumb things as kids, we laugh; when they do dumb things as teenagers, our skin crawls, our frontal lobes experience white out conditions, and our teeth sweat. This fear reaction almost always leads to some form of control, which leads to a kickback reaction by the teenager. By the time families end up in my office, they're in an antler-to antler headlock with everyone on the losing end of the rack.
We can learn a lot about wise parenting from our local highway patrol.
When a patrolman does a good job of pulling you over and giving you a speeding ticket, he doesn't use shame, guilt, anger, or intimidation. Patrolmen are usually quite pleasant; they don't have much to say. In fact, their main goal isn't even to get you to slow down. After they leave, you don't have anyone to blame except yourself, which is central in learning to accept responsibility.
Key # 1—Highway patrol parents don’t give their kids anything to push against. When parents get angry and used guilt, shame, or other forms of control, kids react and become much less teachable. When they're reacting to you, they aren’t taking responsibility for their own choices. When parents use a controlling style of parenting, they're reacting out of fear, which always blocks the ability to love.
Key #2—Highway patrol parents give choices and consequences. We all make bad choices, and the best way to learn is to experience the consequences that are the natural and normal responses to the choices we make. Consequences shouldn't be a surprise. It's best if they're known and agreed upon ahead of time. They should fit the crime and should be measurable. It's important that they’re given out with empathy and a belief that the young person can and will learn from the situation.
Key #3—Highway patrol parents challenge behavior; they don’t try to stop it.. Parents shoot themselves in the foot when they make it their goal to stop an adolescent’s behavior. If they succeed, the problem goes underground. I've seen kids go to great lengths, sometimes ruining their lives, just to prove to their parents that they still have a choice. Trying to control something you can't control leads to a power struggle.
Key #4—Highway patrol parents don’t get into power struggles. If you're in a power struggle with a teenager, is because you've chosen a goal you can ultimately control. If you find yourself in this situation, you have to change your goal. The patrolman's goal isn't to make you slow down, because you can speed again when you get around the corner. Instead, his goal is to give you a ticket if he catches you speeding. He's completely in charge of this goal, and he can enforce it. If you want to keep getting more tickets, that's your choice—it's an expensive one, but it's still a choice.